Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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