I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
