She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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