the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
