8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
