you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
