i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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