I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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