we have pet lesbian snakes
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
