There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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