So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
