I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
