True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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