I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize