yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
