Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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