dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize