quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
