i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
