walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
