I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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