your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
