I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
