mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found a bag of teeth...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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