I haven't been this sober since birth.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
