Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Too much gin, very little bucket
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm at about main and main street
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
