why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
