If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
