Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
