Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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