my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
