she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
