Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
