There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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