WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
