he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
