new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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