How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
