A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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