remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
