i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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