I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
someone owes me an orgasm
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
