the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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