Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
