you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
