so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
