The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
