Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
