I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
