my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
