I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
