I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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