Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
