yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize