I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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