guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
