Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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