You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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