I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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