you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
