i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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