I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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