Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize