im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
