I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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