I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
